Oy Gay!, The Life and Times of a Fagele Cantor (m3rkvry) wrote in moderate,
Oy Gay!, The Life and Times of a Fagele Cantor
m3rkvry
moderate

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How Republicans Can Take The Black Vote.

After a rather rousing discussion with one of our more ardent conservative members, I began to think: how COULD the Republicans win the hearts and minds of Black America? So, I decided to write-up a preliminary twelve step program. Read and distribute, and discuss. Note that this program is in an embryonic stage, presently under review by the company's Minority Caucus (a.k.a. my lunch crew), and will likely change. (Example: "You need something in here about how white people need to stop acting like they know what it's like to be discriminated against. Unless you've been followed around for an hour and a half by a K-Mart employee, you got no idea!")

1. Admit that you have a problem. Acknowledge that minorities aren't voting Democrat because of the liberal media, or because they're so easily manipulated, or because they're sheep, but because the Republicans have a Godawful history of minority representation.

2. Declare that the Republican party is, here and now, going to begin working to deserve the minority vote. Openly acknowledge that you have a long way to go in doing so, but that you are going to work hard to prove that you can fairly represent minorities. (By the way, Bush did an excellent job of this in his speech to the Urban League. Build on that.)

3. Stop trying to hide that history. Stop clinging to Abraham Lincoln and the old Republican party like either of them would approve of you now. Admit that the Republican party of today was the Democratic party of sixty years ago, the party of Strom Thurmond and Trent Lott, who called blacks "the N***** race" and fought our government to prevent desegregation. Accept that these were mistakes, and that no one is at fault but you.

4. For God's sake, learn rhythms that aren't derived from a hymnal. Learn how to clap on the off-beat of a song (Hit the Road [clap] Jack [clap). Most importantly, do it because you like music, not because you want to win votes.

5. Publicly denounce the racist arm of your party. Announce that your party will no longer fund ANY openly racist candidate (and yes, you still do.) When you get money from the White Knights and the Neo-Fascists, politely send it back. Tell them that you don't want your vote. Make sure it's covered by every paper in the country as a front page story.

6. Stop throttling welfare mothers with your cut-backs. Yes, people abuse the system like all Hell, but peers forget the ten friends of theirs that abuse the system when they know just one who's being hurled against it. Instead of slashing funding to welfare, find smart ways to increase funding in key areas (like employment) that will cut the need for funding over time.

7. Find the voices in your party that managed to come out of the 60s on the side of black America. Give them lots of money, prestige, and stage time. Let them talk to people. Listen to what they have to say. Encourage their ideas. Let them breed the next generation of Republicans.

8. Figure out what the deal is with Usher. (If you find out, let me know.)

9. Become the champions of D.C. Statehood. Inside the Beltway, the Republicans have made it clear that the only reason they won't let D.C. Statehood pass is because they don't want two more solidly voting liberal Senators in congress. Make the investment now by being the party that champions the initiative. (Along the same lines, lift the painfully racist ban on voting for persons convicted of felonies. A lot of those guys were put in jail for five years for attacking the white cop who raped their wife. And even those that committed genuine crimes should be considered citizens once they've done their time. If we don't, then we have to acknowledge that prison isn't about rehabilitation - it's about revenge.)

10. Stop attacking politically-active celebrities. Black people respect celebrities, because white people have made it so Goddamned hard to become a poltical role model that young black men now look forward to their chances in the NBA and Rap Music. Now you're gonna be mad at those people for having the clout to express an opinion? Encourage blacks into political office, give them REAL power (not token positions with lofty names where no one really listens to them), and then let them tell stories of how the Republican party got them there. If you don't like the fact that so many celebrities are liberals, try to figure out what it is they don't like, and fix it.

11. End the AIDS crisis, worldwide. Blacks account for a little over half the new diagnoses of HIV and AIDS in this country, almost eleven times the rate of whites. Life expectancy in Africa has dropped fifteen years. If you could be the first to publicly announce funding for a cure, you'd relieve millions. Notice I said funding for a cure, not abstinence training. Abstinence training doesn't work. The sooner you figure that out, the better off we'll all be.

12. For Crissake, be patient. This won't get you the vote overnight. Nothing will. But complaining about the vote will only make you look like the whining kid who doesn't like the rules once he started playing the game. Be willing to work toward fairness and equality, and you CAN regain that trust.

(cross posted, with apologies.)
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